Nick On Toons- Super McVarial 900

It’s a quiet night here at Nick On Toons, as I peacefully enjoy a nice cold mug of Cherry 7Up, reflect over many things in the Retro Junkies Network, like how the world now has a mini Rob Luther, the fact that Landon Long is going to start recording podcasts while talking to himself, what kind of roadkill Nick Stephens puts on his hot dog, and of course, how in the land of Aaron Hickman nothing quite goes together as well as lawn chairs, horse racing, and mystery Intellivision games (actually that doesn’t sound half bad) Most of all, however, I am reflecting on the fact that I have quit my “regular” job (I consider annoying/enlightening all of you my real job) and thus I am free to pursue the many passions in life, like mashed potatoes, video games, and, as always, pointless jokes about this guy.

Nah, not you, Ferg. That other semi blurry hoser to your right, my left.
Nah, not you, Ferg. That other semi blurry hoser to your right, my left.

It also occurred to me that it had been quite some time since I graced you all with an episode of Nick On Toons, since the summer actually, and now that the holiday rush is over, I figured now would be as good a time as any to sit back, choose an episode of one of my favorite Nicktoons, and share with you just why it is so special, weird, or well, appropriate for the time.

In today’s episode we will be discussing Rocket Power, in particular the episode entitled “Super McVarial 900”, which, to my dismay, has NOTHING to do with a obscure console created only by the finest Swiss watch replacement parts. It also has nothing to do with 900 McFlurries created by a McDonald’s worker with the last name Varial. There is one thing for certain about this episode, one thing I can look forward to no matter the lack of frozen treats in mass quantities or an obscure console I can brag to people about that I know of that they don’t..

Oh yeah, Super McVarial 900, created by Swiss developers Zurich to rival the Amiga..oh hey, check out my cool tower of games!
Oh yeah, Super McVarial 900, created by Swiss developers Zurich to rival the Amiga..oh hey, check out my cool tower of games!

Ya know, there’s show offs, and then there’s jerks, and then there’s Aaron Hickman. You do the math. No, not you, Hickman. Anyways, what I was getting at before I was so rudely interrupted by genius and useless information smothered in Texas barbecue sauce was Tito, and his wise words sent down to him by the Ancient Hawaiians. Remember that, kids, before there was Google, some of us relied on a whole bunch of Hawaiian zombies to find the answers to life’s burning questions. Yeah, stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Walking Dead fans. Tito, the original Most Interesting Man In The World.

Synopsis:
We open with everyone’s favorite klutz, Samuel “Squid” Dullard, who shows us that over 15 years ago, it was ok to poke fun at people like him via a cartoon, but chances are most yuppy parents would call for the show to be canceled, but I digress. Showing the grace of a kiwi bird after too much caffeine, it seems that poor Squid is about as talented at skateboarding as Kyle Murphy is at refraining from inserting coins into things. Seriously, that’s all the guy does all day, finds coins on the street, picks them up, doesn’t even clean them, and then finds the nearest thing to insert them into. The results aren’t always pretty.

Seriously, Kyle? Just stop it, ok?

We then switch to Otto Rocket, who not only salutes the late Mr. Fuji, but also gives the forecast, which calls for a good chance of gnarly, which I guess if you live in Buffalo is a lot better than hearing about the next 3 feet of snow at your door. In any case, Reggie, Otto’s sister, doesn’t seem impressed, kind of like yours truly when he walks into a new video game store and sees nothing but Sega Genesis games. She informs Otto after he falls and nearly fractures whatever bones are fully developed in his 10 year old body that despite his best efforts she is bored AND he needs to do better if he’s to win an upcoming competition. If I was a male chauvinist I’d say Reggie could use a nice box of chocolates, a broom to sweep the floor, and a nice cold glass of..

Thanks, Jericho. I can always count on you.

But she does raise a good point. Has Otto exhausted all the moves in his straight out of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater repertoire? What isn’t up for debate is that Twister(The kid, not the flying cow movie) really likes commentating on important life events, like when Squid slams into a pile of trash cans, or as he calls it “beefs it”, which makes me wonder..Aaron, what do they call falling down off a skateboard in Texas? They can’t possibly say beefing it, because that would:

a)Make half the state hungry immediately.

b)Piss off a whole lot of cattle.

That’s my impromptu “Ask Aaron.” Suck on that, Encyclopedia Brown.

Speaking of computers that know EVERYTHING (Love ya, Aaron!), Squid informs the gang that even though he has the grace of a drunken gazelle, he is merely working on his technique (or love of beef) while using a super computer (by 2000 standards) that has every known skateboarding trick on it. The computer not only looks to be as heavy as a Samsonite briefcase filled with bricks (or Dumb and Dumber IOUs) but also allows the word Tic-Tac to be uploaded to it as a name for a skateboarding trick, because that’s the most manly name for a skateboarding trick ever. While Sam tries to explain the fundamentals of skateboarding (even though he’s the furthest thing from an expert), Twister is far more concerned about putting the laptop on a skateboard and slapping Sam in the butt (You read that last part correctly). Man, this episode would go over REAL well with today’s overprotective parents and Starbuck’s cup haters.

I gave my life, so you could spam newsfeeds with unnecessary hysteria and hoopla.
I gave my life, so you could spam newsfeeds with unnecessary hysteria and hoopla.

As Twister pretends to order fries from a laptop, Otto is far more enamored with the idea of creating a new move, and there you go folks, the plot of this episode is revealed, as a laptop most likely running on a shoddy Windows operating system creates the Super McVarial 900. Sounds cool, right? Well not so fast, McVarial fans, because Otto Rocket plans on executing this move and renaming it something in his own likeness and vision. Perhaps the ReggieBored McBeefaroni 1000? (100 points more makes it that much more awesome, I suppose) Even though Sam, and his trusty laptop say it can’t be done, Otto has “that look” in his eyes, which makes everyone uneasy, except for Twister, who looks to cash in on Otto’s obsession via a poor man’s America’s Funniest Home Videos, you know, like any good friend would. One has to wonder just what happened last time Otto Rocket has this look in his eyes?

Got it. That explains everything!
Got it. That explains everything!

As Otto tries to make history, Reggie tries to sleep, but as awoken to the sounds of Otto “trying something new”, in this case, carpentry of the skateboarding variety, as nothing helps soothe the psychosis of a 10 year old mad man quite like adding more height to his personal skateboarding ramp. Hey, what’s there to do as 5:30am in some unknown seaside town anyways? Eat another funnel cake? Unfortunately, despite Reggie’s plea to be a normal human being (Otto left that coop a long time ago!) Otto has awoken the neighbors, the Merv and Violet Stimpleton. Violet doesn’t really seem to care about the disturbance, as she’s more concerned with Merv getting over his Lithuanian flu (You read that correctly), which I had no idea was in such epidemic levels at the turn of the 21st century, but you learn something new everyday. I wonder how one would cure the Lithuanian flu?

Bingo.

Violet has offered to assist her husband in the day to day duties of the property, but instantly regrets it as Merv has literally written a book on the care of the property. Violet says “Oh my” in reply to opening the book, but we’re not sure why. Was there an early excerpt in there from Twilight or 50 Shades Of Grey? Was this a journal entry from Merv on some of the symptoms of the Lithuanian flu if gone untreated?

Yep.
Yep.

Ray Rocket, the father of the psychotic madman Otto and his little Princess Reggie, greets his daughter who is still recovering from Otto’s addition to his half pipe ramp which went on for nearly 2 hours. Ray is actually proud of his boy being a complete looney, until he realizes that like the good parent he pretends to be throughout the series, he actually has to take his kids to school. He yells out the window to Otto, who keeps crashing the burning, yet doesn’t seem to have a scratch on him, that he has to get ready for school. The kid could have broke his neck, but Raymundo could care less, as long as Otto listens to him about going to school. Seriously, Ray, priorities. This is how you lose custody of your children, butthead.

Otto, being the kind soul that he is (and a nutjob at only age 10!) perfects the water level of the Stimpleton’s pool by once again screwing up the McVarial 900. Sure, Sam told him more height wouldn’t work, but Otto figures simply stating he would name the move after both himself AND Sam would be enough to silence The Squid, but Sam retorts by saying he’ll be sure to put that name on Otto’s cast (Doesn’t Sam know Otto has Wolverine’s power of healing after going to school with nothing but fatigue and broken sunglasses?) Despite once being optimistic, even Otto The Ripper begins wondering if Sam is correct in the move being impossible to execute.

I don't have time for these jokes, bub.
I don’t have time for these jokes, bub.

As Merv pesters his wife due to his OCD on property maintenance, we are once again joined by the gang as dusk begins to settle. My parents would often discuss where they were with something momentous in history occurred, so I ask you, dear readers, where were you when Otto Rocket finally executed the Super McVarial 900? Were you on your way to work, perhaps grabbing a pound of bologna from your local deli? Well wherever you were, chances are you later learned that our dearest Otto only performed the move through the most ludicrous means, in this case a deflection from a chewed up tennis ball via the Stimpleton’s mower shot out and changed the direction of Otto’s descend and yet wasn’t caught on Twister’s cam due to sunlight. Of course Otto acted as if he was the Alexander The Great of McVarial 900s (He even called himself the sickest skater alive. Well he got the sick part right, that poor, poor child) despite skepticism from Sam. As a man of science, or just the area’s biggest nerd, Sam went off to discover the answer as Otto prepared for his skateboarding competition. Sam nearly chokes on a donut when he realizes what actually transpired, and races off in hopes of warning Otto of the fact he could severely injure himself (or to laugh at him for having to waste his perfectly good self-healing powers)

Of course Otto doesn’t listen, because really would you listen to your friends if they told you an idea you had was a bad idea? Did that “blast processing” guy listen? No, and now look at him, living in a sewer, collecting trinkets that fall into his lair, fending off football head shaped assassins who try to..oh wait, that’s just an early episode of Hey Arnold, nevermind. Still, Otto goes along with the competition, perhaps believing the luck of the Irish will allow him to perform the move, even though everyone knows anything to do with the luck of the Irish looks absolutely stupid.

Yeah, I said it. So what, fella?
Yeah, I said it. So what, fella?

Of course, Otto totally beefs it in a way that makes him steal Aaron Hickman’s lawn chair and wait outside for Texas barbecue, which obviously is some serious beef if people are waiting for it when most of us sane folk are eating breakfast. I’m uncomfortably unnerved by your state’s obsession with cows, Aaron. It’s not healthy. But you know what is healthy? Realizing your best friend was right about something and saying you’re sorry.

PROS
-I wonder just how heavy laptops were in 2000, because the one Sam had, which taught him cute moves like Tic-Tac, as well as the impossible Super McVarial 900 looked like it could be used as a substitute shield in the next Legend Of Zelda game.

-The fact Reggie encourages her brother to essentially(no, literally) get hurt for the sake of her own twisted amusement. Good to see sibling love still alive and well at the turn of the 21st century.

-Raymundo is why parents should stay away from drugs and just take their kids to school.

CONS
-This episode had NOT ONE appearance from everyone’s favorite philosophical Hawaiian, Tito. My only guess is while all of this was going on, Tito was saving some orphans from a burning fire with nothing but his bare hands and wise words from the ancient Hawaiians.

-Merv Stimpleton is most likely the most annoying character in a Nicktoon ever. I mean, I love grumpy old guys, but there’s a point where it goes from lovable to “just stay out of this episode” and Merv was right there at several points during the show.

-Why didn’t Marvel sue the creators for having an indestructible child without any influence from Professor X, Magneto, or a freak chemical accident?

I sincerely hope you enjoyed this edition of Nick On Toons. Next time I take on a classic Rugrats episode that is sure to bring plenty of memories and probably some shellshock of some of the worst diaper rash any human has ever seen. Won’t that be fun, kids?

Until then, remember, tennis balls don’t always cause people to execute insane stunts, the Super McVarial 900 is NOT a real Swiss console, I don’t care what Aaron says, so be safe out there, by the blessings of the ancient Hawaiians!

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