Master Bit Theater #2-Shut Up And Eat The Pretzel

‘Ello again. I took out the unnecessary H to sound more fancy. How did I do? Well nobody asked you anyways, pal! Ahem. Here at Master Bit Theater we strive to bring you the most stellar poetry from across the globe. In fact, some of these poets may actually be from Mars. No, I won’t make a Uranus joke, what did Uranus ever do for me? Stop laughing! Don’t make me turn that absurd fancy pants show around! I’ll do it!

In any event, this evening we have a fine poem from an author known simply as The Salt. Whether he is one of the stellar members of that fine 80s hip hop group, Salt N’ Peppa, someone who works for a salt company, or even a weird child who eats salt from their own hand, we are not sure. What we ARE sure of, however, is this is a fascinating poem about how sometimes in life, well, you just have to do what you’re told!

We give you tonight’s poem, Shut Up And Eat The Pretzel.

Shut Up And Eat The Pretzel
By The Salt

I’ve been doing this a long time
I’ve seen dots older than you
I’m still going strong
But for how long I’m not quite sure
I chomp and chomp and chomp some more
Salty snacks really do nothing for me
But I do this to pay the bills
So I do what my mama told me
I shut up and eat the pretzel

I come home from work bloated
Stressed from dodging ghost after ghost
I whine too much they all say
My job really isn’t that hard they think
But when a doctor tells you that your blood pressure is high
From too many years of one NYC street vendor food
You realize it’s tougher than they think
To shut up and eat the pretzel

I’ve asked the people at my job
Why does it have to be this way?
In a world of so many different snacks
Can’t a pretzel be replaced?

I long for just one celery stick
In creamy peanut butter
A Fruit Roll Up or two
But then they show me halls of accolades
Trophies and profits to spare
With a smile and a pat on my yellow head
They tell me they appreciate my feedback
But to just shut up
And eat the pretzel

I imagine when my legend long fades into the grass
All the quarters used up in my name are melted down
I will ascend to a happier place
Where icons like me never fade
Still there among my peers
As happy as can be
I can hear the whisper of St. Peter as I scan heaven’s cafeteria menu
Telling me with a coy smile
Just shut up and eat the pretzel.

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