Master Bit Theater #1-“The Turtle That Wouldn’t Die”

Hello, I’m Anything But Classy, and this is Master Bit Theater, where you will sample some of the best, and perhaps most ludicrous retro game related poetry in the history of the written word. Tonight I will pretend to be classy, put on my best fancy coat, place a bubble pipe in my mouth and pretend I actually know what I’m talking about, with a completely fake British accent. Pip, pip, Cheerios, and other breakfast cereals.

For your indulgence, we submit for your approval, “The Turtle That Wouldn’t Die.” Ah yes, a fine poem I can recall reading in my dormitory at Oxford..Community Junior College.

The Turtle That Wouldn’t Die
by Oxnard Montalvo

Plumbing is what I do
And yet I find some pure joy
In stomping on defenseless turtles
We all have our vices
It is unfortunate mine is not well received

It is a simple joy, however
One stomp
A simple kick of my heel
And the turtle is no more
Oh sure
Sometimes they have wings
Way too much Red Bull consumption, alas
But they too are sent on their way

All of them, except this one

On a starry night overlooking a castle
I came upon this turtle
Descending from a brick laid staircase
I did what I always do when succumbing to my vice
I leapt and came down hard on the turtle’s shell
And to my surprise, he was faced upside down
This was peculiar to me!

I stomped and I stomped and he did not disappear
I heard these sounds
Like a euphoric symphony I did not understand
As the rage within me became apparent
“This turtle is immortal!” I shouted in hysteria
He simply would not die!

As exhaustion overcame me, I cursed the damn turtle for delaying me
The symphony was replaced by an urgent warning from the gods
Time is of the essence, they reminded me
And I was off into the night
Leaving that turtle there to his own deadly devices

As I slid down the pole and walked into my humble abode
I felt as if something was amiss
Then it hit me
As the curtain closed on my scene
This turtle had made me immortal like him
Damned to an eternity of plumbing

This is what you get, my friends
When you do not warp away
From the turtle that wouldn’t die

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