Nick On Toons 3: Guts…Do You Have It?

Now look, I was really excited about covering an episode of Nickelodeon Guts, really I was, but the fact is all episodes are essentially the same, so I didn’t see the point in covering one specific episode. Instead, I wanted to talk about a few things that always seemed to happen in just about every episode. Whether this is true of all episodes I’m not sure, as I have never seen every episode of this and Global Guts, the follow up to the original show. There is one item I will be covering that I am fairly certain DID happen in every episode, but I’m saving that one especially for last. So let’s take a look at 5 Things That Seemed To Happen In Nearly Every Episode Of Guts

Most Players Have Literally Zero Athletic Skills
People will ask me, “Nick, did you ever want to be on Guts?” The answer my shock you, but it is a resounding no, for anyone who grew up with me can tell you, and in the case of my brother, several times over while chuckling rather loudly, I too possessed very little athletic skills, so I know my debut on the show would be met with the sound of crickets. I don’t know what made kids think they could just show up and kick butt when they were the last person picked for kickball, the first one hit during dodgeball, and the person picked for football just because they were good at pulling the flag out of a person’s pocket. Guts is solely responsible for so many kids during the 1990s thinking they actually had athletic skill, when in reality they were really just a lucky shot, or were really good at jumping off platforms while harnessed to a bungie cord.

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“Mom, do I look cool in these goggles?”

Someone Always Went In The Wrong Lane On The Aggro Crag
You know how you have those pieces of your childhood that you’re not sure whether it really happened or you just imagined it? Well, this is one of them. If I remember correctly, during the last event of the show, that big Aggro Crag thing(Yeah, I still don’t know what that means either) the players had lanes they had to stay in on the way to the top, and if they crossed onto another player’s path, they had to start all over. Can someone confirm this for me? I’m pretty sure I’m right, and I think so because I vividly recall more than just a handful of times someone doing this and taking a hissy fit live on camera that they had to go all the way back down and start over.

Any Games Involving Sticking Something To Something Else Always Looked Carny
I was watching the first episode today, and I noticed that whenever there were games with 90s Nerf toys involved, especially in relation to say sticking a nerf arrow/dart/projectile to a board that almost every player was either really terrible at it, or had faulty Nerf equipment. Either way, it was always dreadful, especially whenever a bunch of players would do it and O’Malley would say “It’s all in the momentum”, when in reality it was really “all in the board adhesive quality”.

The Best Swimmers/Aquatic Athletes Became Newbies
Perhaps even worse than any on land/dry events were any events where they put players in a swimming pool, because for some reason the kids who were doing backflips, cannonballs, and swimming from one end of their pool to the other became like a scared cat in water, they would just clam up and not be able to figure out how to use a kayak or anything that involved paddling. Was there something in the water? Was the chlorine so strong it burned their noses? Was there a problem with the pH in the pool? We’ll never know, but for some reason kids on the show in any swimming pool events fell under only 1 of 2 categories, the wet cat division and the “I have dreamed of kayaking by use of rope in a shark tank sized swimming pool my whole 12 years on this Earth!”

There Was DEFINITELY something going on between Mike O’Malley and Moira Quirk
Alright, so put the children to bed, it’s time to get real serious here. As a kid, you didn’t really notice this, but watching the show back, there was definitely some flirtatious vibes and heck I’ll say it, sexual tension going on between those two. I can remember watching the show again when I was in college and my friends and I would yell out things in that typical Mike O’Malley voice that he would ONLY use when talking to her, throwing in what we thought he really wanted to say, like “Are you free Friday night, Mo!?” or “Here’s the key to my hotel room, Mo!” and of course, “Your accent is super hot, Mo!” She always seemed to laugh and be uneasy around him too, so you have to wonder what the Guts after parties were like back then. Did Kirk Fogg and Mark Summers spike the punch? Did Phil Moore and Summer Sanders start a hearty round of beer pong? I’m sorry, but the proof is in the pudding, and let me tell you, this pudding is serious tapioca.

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This is the part of the article where we cue up the “Careless Whisper” by George Michael and light a whole bunch of candles.

Have I ruined the show for you yet? You’ll be thinking about that last one for a while I’m sure. Well join me next time as we step away from the Extreme Arena (which has nothing to do with hardcore wrestling) and into the world of David The Gnome. Until then, remember, if you think you didn’t see something weird during your childhood, chances are you really did, but while you suppressed it, it has been trapped in my mind for decades. I know, I know, it’s a tough gig being Atari Man, but it’s all for you, my adoring fans.

Later!

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