Unsolved Cereal Box Mysteries #3-Cap N’ Crunch

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There are many fascinating and mysterious stories about the great wonders of the ocean, tales of swashbuckling pirates and brave ship captains and their loyal crews, some real, some fictional, but all of them entertaining and unique in their own right. Today I plan on telling you a seaworthy tale you haven’t heard, one that may very well change your opinion of a certain lovable captain (or is it Cap’N?) that has been gracing cereal boxes for generations. Keep in mind though, dear reader, that not every day in the life of a cereal box icon is a good one. Like all celebrities, they have their bad days too, but whether you pardon our dear sea captain by the end of this story, well, that’s entirely up to you. I am only here to tell the story as it should be told, with truth, justice, and just a smidge of lightly flavored corn cereal. Today on Unsolved Cereal Box Mysteries, we will be discussing the rivalry between Cap N’ Crunch and The Soggies, and more specifically, the mysterious disappearance of those creatures in Cap N’ Crunch cereal commercials and on cereal boxes.

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They had been at sea nearly a week, living off stale boxes of the bloated captain’s cereal, and not the kind with the delicious berry flavored pieces inside, oh no, just those simple, yellow, and unappealing pieces of cereal that somehow made children happy. But not these children, these children were slaves to the mastery of this sea wolf. Allowed to go on an adventure by their parents with a strange man in a silly Napoleon looking outfit, little Jimmy and Cindy were wondering at that moment if their parents ever truly cared about them, or if they too were corrupted by this pirate of their innocence. One thing was for certain, however, they felt bad for these creatures they heard the vile captain speak of with disgust, known as The Soggies.

Oh sure, commercials portrayed these tender souls as evil villains out to turn breakfast cereal into mush, but did anyone bother to really educate themselves about these creatures? If they did, one would realize that Soggies need the sustenance that can only be found in cereals in order to live. Soggies don’t even sound how you hear them on television, commercial executives looking to cash in on a child’s imagination by portraying the Captain as a hero and the Soggies as these terrible creatures with horribly harsh voices, but nothing could be further from the truth. The Soggies, as paraphrased by Norbert Beaver of the famed Angry Beavers cartoon, were “victims of the man’s oppressive rules, can you dig it?” Ok, so forget the dig it part, but you know where I’m going with this. The man were the commercial executives, and it just so happened that the man, well he also works for Captain Crunch. Captain Crunch owns all, boys and girls. Are you crying? There’s no crying in Unsolved Cereal Box Mysteries!

The kids trapped on this voyage were forced to swab the poop deck(sometimes while there was actual poop on it, there were no bathrooms on the ship) as well as patch up any holes in the ship. It was also rumored one of them had to massage the evil Captain’s nasty toes, which were prone to some serious toe jam problems, years before the term Toe Jam would be one of endearment in the world of video games. One day, the Captain found what he was looking for, the island of the Soggies. He knew he had to find a way to blow the whole blasted thing up. How dare those Soggies put a damper on his meal ticket? If customers found out his cereal was prone to turning into mush, he would be ruined!

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The thing is, the kids on the ship had a plan, to get back to their parents, and save the Soggies, so they put the plan into action, escaped their cells and as the Captain began lighting up Soggy Island with cannons and all sorts of devilry, they turned his weapons on his ship, sinking it. While the island was aglow with flames that lasted long into the night, no one really knows for sure what happened to the kids or the Soggies on the island. What we do know is right after this incident, the Captain was never the same, and Soggies never appeared on another cereal box or commercial again, largely due to the Soggies Protection Act of 1995, which didn’t allow ships anywhere near Soggy Island, nor allowed corporations to enslave Soggies for monetary gain.

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Some say The Soggies went the way of the Entwives, becoming nothing more than a legend. Others say they live on the old set of the Drew Carey Show in Cleveland. No one really knows for sure, but at least they can now live their lives in peace.

Are you happy now, you Napoleon looking jerkface?

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