Unsolved Cereal Box Mysteries #2-Cookie Crisp


The sun kept beating down on him, mercilessly. Drinking what remained in his canteen, the proud Irishman known simply as The Cookie Cop to most, knew that the time to finally put that dastardly Cookie Crook and his sidekick, Chip The Dog behind bars was running out. It was 1997, and he had been trailing this nefarious cereal loving villain for over 15 years, across several continents and just as many grocery stores, but as each year passed, The Crook became more elusive, and with the combined efforts of his new canine sidekick, he kept finding a way to escape the law, Officer Crumb’s law. Some rookies on the force were beginning to say that Crumb was getting long in the tooth, and the Captain, well, he gave Crumb one last warning, either find his nemesis, The Cookie Crook, bring him and Chip to justice, or forfeit his badge and walk away from the force without question. Crumb thought about that now as he looked out onto this barren wasteland of dead trees, tumbleweed, and dried up riverbeds. How could anyone survive here?


Deep in his mind, he began to worry, if only slightly. For Officer Crumb had heard of a legend, one of a great wizard named Jarvis, who had ruled the lands of cookie flavored cereal for over 8 years, until one day, he and his followers simply vanished. Crumb wasn’t in the rank on the force he was back then, but even he was baffled by the whole mystery. How could a wizard, with thousands of followers, a city made of cookies and a beautiful river made of milk, all just disappear one day? Was that where he was, where this once bountiful kingdom stood before vanishing into thin air? And what of this Cookie Crook? Did he somehow lead a rogue’s gallery of bandits to take out and take over this wizard’s kingdom of peaceful cereal loving people? Crumb thought there could be a connection somehow, so he tightened his belt and began singing every Irish song he knew, trudging along gallantly through this valley of penetrating sun and heat.


The Cookie Crook took inventory of his supplies. They were running terribly low. He had pilfered from whatever village and grocery store they could find, but hope was looking faint at that moment. He knew Crumb was close behind. He had tried everything to stop him, smoke bombs, booby traps, even a potato gun, but it was useless. The smoke bombs didn’t create enough smoke, the booby trap didn’t go off in time, and all the potato gun did was further infuriate Crumb by insulting his Irish heritage. There he was, an old, tired, and very hungry crook, with his faithful dog Chip, both of them with their stomachs growling for food, the heat of this barren, hateful place beginning to create something within their minds that simply said “I will eat you in a bowl with milk, or you will eat me, one way or another, that blasted Crumb won’t get us.”


Crumb was picking up the pace, really cutting into the lead The Crook had on him. Crumb knew it wouldn’t be much longer now. He’d finally get that medal he always wanted, and that blasted crook locked away for life. He could retire, buy a house in some city in Florida with the word spring at the end of it. Every day he could go golfing, shop for Irish foods, and retire to a home with air conditioning and a pool in the back. Man, all of that would feel good right about now. Stay on task, Crumb. You still have a crook and his equally crooked canine to catch. As Crumb began his trek down a steep hill, even he couldn’t be prepared for what he would witness.


For there, gnawing on a bone, was Chip. Certainly a dog gnawing on a bone was nothing new or out of the ordinary, but as Crumb got closer he saw in horror that the bone belonged to his now long gone rival, The Cookie Crook! There sat his attire, the mask, the hat, the rest of it, all tattered and bloodstained. Crumb gulped in fear and turned, his face as white as a ghost as the ravenous glow of Chip’s eyes stared back at him. Growling, Chip paced around Crumb, not allowing to move, snarling, the blood of his long time friend coming out of the corner of his mouth. Crumb began singing those Irish songs he knew all too well, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t block out the loud, horrific cry of anguish he gave out as Chip lunged for him.


For many years, a lone wolf, once a dog, roamed this barren wasteland, stealing cookies and cereal from travelers just trying to make their way into towns nearby. No one knows when he became a wolf, hungry for the taste of human flesh and cookie flavored cereal. Thirsty for the blood of bratty little children like you who keep pestering me to tell them a story when it’s poker night with my buddies in 30 minutes, but one thing, Little Jimmy, is quite certain. No one knows what happened to the Wizard Jarvis, or why Chip decided to turn on his master and devour him and his arch nemesis, Officer Crumb. But one is quite certain. If you hold a box of Cookie Crisp up to your ear, you can still hear Chip howling in the desert, mixed with the cries for help from The Cookie Crook and Officer Crumb just before they become as edible as your favorite Saturday morning breakfast cereal.

Sweet dreams! Daddy has to go win his Rolex back, ok?

This has been another Cereal Box Mystery. Join us next time as we discuss what can only be described as one of the most mysterious happenings on the high seas. Until then, this Nicholas Grapenut, telling you that behind every box of cereal is a mystery that needs solving.

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