Unsolved Cereal Box Mysteries #1 – Cinnamon Toast Crunch


He had been planning this for several years now, and although he had his moments of doubt, he knew there was no turning back. For years he had carried those two losers to prominence, on television, in flyers, and of course, in the cereal aisle, and had enough. If the man known simply to the masses as Wendell was going to take his place in the sun, at the forefront of the General Mills marketing empire, he needed to act fast, and do so in a way that would leave little evidence. He knew it could be done, and most of all he knew it HAD to be done, if he was to stand alone, the one every child would see on their television sets, the one they would look forward to seeing every morning at breakfast. “This isn’t a three man gig,” he said to himself as he crept through the darkness of the grocery store, the hum of the freezers in the distance. He had tried a few days prior, but the weakness that is mercy overcame him, and he cursed to himself as he realized it was happening once again. Think, Wendell, think. You’ve gone over all of this in your head a million times.

Who was going to care that these two losers were gone anyways? Most children didn’t even know their names, Bob and Quello. What kind of a name was Quello? It sounded like some kind of generic version of Backgammon or Othello. It didn’t matter what their names were, because Wendell was always the one the commercials focused on, and for good reason, because when the cameras weren’t rolling and these three men were going about their work as bakers, it was Wendel who kept everyone focused, not Bob who always tried to undermine Wendell’s teachings as a master baker, or Quello who would sing songs from his native homeland, wherever that was, Wendell didn’t care, that always seemed to end with something about a goat eating the mayor’s shoe. Wendell wanted peace and quiet, and a chance to reap the rewards that a solo career would afford him. No, he reassured himself, this was about him putting himself before them. It was toast or be toasted.

During much happier times. RIP Bob and Quello.

He saw them there, sleeping, probably dreaming up ways to further make him miserable. He then saw Quello sleepwalking. This will be too easy! With a devilish grin, Wendell followed Quello as he once again began singing songs that nobody but him cared about, and as Quello sang and danced in a daze, a whistling Wendel nonchalantly pushed Quello off their cereal box home onto the cold, hard, laminate floor of the grocery store, his song silenced as he lay there, motionless, what looked like strawberry jam oozing from his body. Wendell laughed with malevolent delight before turning his attention to Bob, who was now waking up. Seeing that Quello was gone, and the look on the face of Wendell, he knew what had happened and instantly began charging at Wendell, trying to use one of his patented wrestling holds he had picked up when WWF Champion Hulk Hogan was doing promotional work in the store that week, but it was to no avail, Wendell simply lowered his head and in a picture perfect back body drop that would make the likes of Rowdy Piper and “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndoff jealous, he sent Bob sailing overhead into the dark abyss where he too was left in a pile of strawberry jam death. All was going according to plan, Wendell thought, and it wouldn’t be long before the executives at General Mills, fearing this sudden change in their lead mascot, would cave into his demands, propelling him to stardom and sweeping these blatant murders under the rug as an “executive decision” to move forward with only Wendell at the helm. Wendell would finally have everything he ever wanted, fame, money, that parking spot that Bob always stole that was closest to the bakery, and it would all be his.

Ask yourself this question…would you trust a man with eyes like this?

Indeed, after Wendell cleaned up the mess left in aisle 3, leaving no trace of remains, General Mills executives were quick to act, and Wendell was now their star, but it wasn’t all roses and box tops for this notorious cereal killer turned all star Cinnamon Toast Crunch mascot. Over the years, Wendell would begin having these crazy swirls in his eyes, playing it off as having some kind of craving those crazy squares. Crazy, it was a fitting word to use because Wendell was indeed losing his mind, his heart feeling the guilt of killing the only real friends he ever had, all for the money and glory that came with the title of cereal box mascot. It was like the Tell Tale Heart, but Wendell didn’t bury the hearts of his friends under the laminate of the grocery store. In truth, he couldn’t remember where he left their remains, but he kept having these nightmares, these terrible, horrible nightmares that someone or something was coming for him, to exact revenge on behalf of those he wronged. Friends and family began to distance themselves from Wendel, and even the executives at General Mills began to take notice, steadily cutting back on Wendell’s face time on their beloved box of cinnamon toast flavored cereal. Then one day it happened. The sins of the a once beloved baker turned evil would come back to haunt him.

One day, Wendell, a full beard, disheveled hair, and a baker’s hat that looked like it had not been cleaned in weeks, came stumbling into the office of the CEO of General Mills. Rumors that he had been drinking vanilla extract were inconclusive, but Wendell really wasn’t himself, with bloodshot eyes and tremors in his hands, constantly looking over his shoulder as the CEO would break the news. Wendell would no longer be featured on the front of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal boxes. Raving mad, Wendell would try attacking the CEO, only to have security haul him out of the building. Defeated, Wendell would journey home to his apartment on the East Side, trying in vain to find a new job. Over the months to come, Wendell’s health began to decline, until he was bedridden.

One summer night, as a thunderstorm took over the sky, tiny little squares that looked, smelled, and tasted like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, would find their way into Wendel’s home, and no one really knew how. Some still say these were descendants of The Black Riders Of Mordor, manifesting themselves in his room as he slept like they did in the terrible cartoon film where everything looked all trippy and weird. Does anyone even admit without embarrassment of watching that film? Anyways, some say these were the spirits of Bob and Quello, and with the same malevolent glee as Wendell showed them as he took their spots in the limelight they would close in on Wendell. In a fit of shock, Wendel would jump from bed and try to make it to the bedroom door, but he tripped in his frail state, the squares saying everything from “Crave those tasty squares, Wendell!” to “We love cinnamon!” and then, for some reason “Come back, to Mordor we will take you!”(sorry, I just really like making fun of that film)

Stare into the souls of these crazy squares of redemption, Wendell. LOOK AT THEM.

Did Wendel make it out alive? Well, ask yourself this question, who is on the boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch now? Just goes to show you that karma is like life’s ultimate spoon, it always comes back to take that last piece of cereal and devour it for the injustices committed to humanity.

This has been the first of many Unsolved Cereal Box Mysteries. Good night.

One Comment

Add a Comment

Your email address will not be published.